Monday, January 29, 2007
Am I overanalytical?
I finally got some real sleep last night. In my dream, I saw the crush hanging out and laughing with someone I know. It must have been pretty bad because it woke me up. While I am certain that I have accepted the reality of our relationship (or lack thereof), I think my subconscious mind wanted more answers before it can let go.
I suppose because so little has happened that afternoon there are many questions left unanswered. But in a situation like this, there are three problems: First, it will be difficult, perhaps impossible to get the answers from the crush. Second, for each question answered, at least one more follow up question will arise, creating a possibly endless cycle of questions and pondering. Finally, even if I could get all of the answers, they are ultimately irrelevant because it won't change anything.
So I suppose it will take more time before my subconscious can move on. As annoying as it is, I suppose in the bigger scheme of things, it makes finding the right person a very special moment.
I suppose because so little has happened that afternoon there are many questions left unanswered. But in a situation like this, there are three problems: First, it will be difficult, perhaps impossible to get the answers from the crush. Second, for each question answered, at least one more follow up question will arise, creating a possibly endless cycle of questions and pondering. Finally, even if I could get all of the answers, they are ultimately irrelevant because it won't change anything.
So I suppose it will take more time before my subconscious can move on. As annoying as it is, I suppose in the bigger scheme of things, it makes finding the right person a very special moment.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
The chicken or the egg?
For the last week, I have had trouble sleeping. I took sleeping pills for a few days but the relief seemed only temporary and I decided to get off of them.
Last night may have provided more insight. I went to a friend's house where we drank, smoked, shared my misery stories and then played some darts. I got an email from a classmate who took pictures of me and the crush. When I looked at the picture, I couldn't recall the last time I looked so happy. Surprisingly, the picture didn't really affect me at the time. I digress. I went to bed in a relatively good mood and a full stomach. I thought I wouldn't need the sleeping pills this time.
I slept for approximately 2.5 hours. I woke up around 3 AM and when I realized that I wasn't sleeping, I just started thinking. And thinking and thinking some more. That's when those sad feelings seemed to creep up again. So it seems like the lack of sleep is causing my sadness, rather than vice versa.
So for the rest of the day, I decided not to take any stimulants whatsoever. I'll exercise a bit and watch what I eat. I hope that once I can get some sleep again, things will get better.
Last night may have provided more insight. I went to a friend's house where we drank, smoked, shared my misery stories and then played some darts. I got an email from a classmate who took pictures of me and the crush. When I looked at the picture, I couldn't recall the last time I looked so happy. Surprisingly, the picture didn't really affect me at the time. I digress. I went to bed in a relatively good mood and a full stomach. I thought I wouldn't need the sleeping pills this time.
I slept for approximately 2.5 hours. I woke up around 3 AM and when I realized that I wasn't sleeping, I just started thinking. And thinking and thinking some more. That's when those sad feelings seemed to creep up again. So it seems like the lack of sleep is causing my sadness, rather than vice versa.
So for the rest of the day, I decided not to take any stimulants whatsoever. I'll exercise a bit and watch what I eat. I hope that once I can get some sleep again, things will get better.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Lucid dream?
Wow it has been a long time, hasn't it?
Unfortunately, I return to the blogosphere with a sad story.
Its been a long time since I had a crush on someone. Since Im older now, I thought those days were gone. But last week, it really came back with a passion.
For the most part, we knew each other professionally and even then, I was somewhat attracted to her, although at the time I didn't think I was her type.
Without getting into details, the two of us shared a moment together. The setting was perfect. I put my arm around her waist and she reciprocated. She then hinted that she might be interested in me.
A few days later, I invited her to lunch but she said that she was too busy. I realized that we may have spent too much time together and maybe she needed some space. So yesterday, I sent her an email asking her to call me if she had some free time. She hasn't written back and I'm betting she won't.
I guess Im trying to comprehend the sudden change of heart. Maybe she had too much to drink that day. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe the moment was just a lucid dream. Who knows? But I really cant hate her for not being attracted to me. The most I can do is wish her well and wait for the next perfect wave. After all, if we were together, I would want her to be happy.
I dont see her these days so I thought I would it best to just let her be and maybe one day say hi if we run into each other sometime.
Unfortunately, I return to the blogosphere with a sad story.
Its been a long time since I had a crush on someone. Since Im older now, I thought those days were gone. But last week, it really came back with a passion.
For the most part, we knew each other professionally and even then, I was somewhat attracted to her, although at the time I didn't think I was her type.
Without getting into details, the two of us shared a moment together. The setting was perfect. I put my arm around her waist and she reciprocated. She then hinted that she might be interested in me.
A few days later, I invited her to lunch but she said that she was too busy. I realized that we may have spent too much time together and maybe she needed some space. So yesterday, I sent her an email asking her to call me if she had some free time. She hasn't written back and I'm betting she won't.
I guess Im trying to comprehend the sudden change of heart. Maybe she had too much to drink that day. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe the moment was just a lucid dream. Who knows? But I really cant hate her for not being attracted to me. The most I can do is wish her well and wait for the next perfect wave. After all, if we were together, I would want her to be happy.
I dont see her these days so I thought I would it best to just let her be and maybe one day say hi if we run into each other sometime.